Understanding Big Behaviors with Compassion
By: Jessica Sieckman, LPC, RPT
If you parent long enough, you’ll see it: the big reactions, the sudden shutdowns, the explosive “NOs”, the blank stares.
It’s easy to label those moments as defiance, manipulation, laziness, or attention-seeking.
But what if big behaviors aren’t character flaws?
What if they’re nervous system signals?
Many of us grew up with a simple belief about behavior: if a child is struggling, reinforce the good choices, discipline the bad ones, and eventually it will sink in. And to be fair, that approach wasn’t the result of poor parenting or teaching—it reflected the best understanding we had at the time. Only more recently has research on behavior and brain development helped us see more clearly what’s happening beneath the surface for children. Now we see that when kids are struggling, it often is not intentional and premeditated. Rather, these problematic behaviors are impulsive, driven by a nervous system under stress. When a behavior starts in the body, reasoning alone won’t reach it. If we respond to these self-protective behaviors with a focus on connection, regulation and safety - and then bring in cognitive tools once the child is calm and receptive - our interventions become far more effective.
When we view difficult behaviors through this lens, compassion naturally grows. The question shifts from “What’s wrong with my child?” or “How do I make this stop?” to “What does my child need right now?” and “How can I help this small human feel safe and loved?” When we gently push back against a strictly reward-and-punishment mindset, we begin to look beneath the surface. We recognize that our children are doing the best they can with the skills they have and the still-developing brains they’re working with. A compassionate response that prioritizes connection doesn’t just calm the moment—it helps the child’s brain return to a state where learning is possible. And just as importantly, it protects and strengthens the relationship with the adults in their life, making it more likely that the next hard moment will be met with a little less dysregulation and a little more resilience. In this way, discipline becomes less about control and more about guiding our children toward lasting growth and resilience.
